Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun.

X-Posted from BPWWOO.

Blanche is gone.

She came out of the deep south to bring us a message.

A message of hope, and of love, and of the joys of middle-aged promiscuity.

Without her, the 80s would have been nothing but biting sarcasm and rustic idiots.

With her, it also had a bunch of sex jokes.

She knew the fine line between having a good time and being a wanton slut, and how entertaining that line could be.

But in the hands of Rue, the character of Blanche Devereaux was more than just a brazen sex-crazed hussy. She was a mother, and a friend, and an art gallery employee apparently, although evidence for this was scant.

A piece of the 80s just slipped away, and we are poorer, wearier, and sadder for it.

Farewell, Rue. I will think of you whenever I think about the irresistible sexuality of 50-year-old women.

Which is, let’s be honest, a hell of a lot.

Cam’s Cannibalism Thought Of The Day

Okay, so I guess that mutual cannibalism didn’t really take off.

I know – it’s crazy, right? The internet was supposed to be mutual cannibalism’s white knight. Head over to Craigslist, punch in ‘Anyone interested in me having a munch on their gizzards,’ and Bob is your uncle. Or somebody’s uncle. He was a stew now, that is the point.

But that didn’t happen. What went wrong?

I think it is because you need two people to make this thing work. An eater and an eatee.

First off, you are already going to have more eaters than eatees. Basically everyone has considered savouring the delicious gamey taste of human flesh before. Less people are like, “I would like to be murdered and served as slow-braised elbow with a red wine and blood reduction.”

IMBALANCE. And every time one of these beautiful love connections occurs the imbalance only grows.

SOLUTION:

Why do we have to murder all these eatees? Sufferers of Body Integrity Identity Disorder are more than happy to give up their limbs. Hop to it, BIID sufferers of the world, It’s time to step up to the plate.

Let’s take amputation out of back-alley surgeries and put it back in the kitchen – where it belongs.

What Lies Beneath, by Ben

Why has there been so little GAM activity of late? Why has the podcast gone on a mysterious and unannounced hiatus?

Cam says it is because he is “sick”, yet I doubt that any of our savvy followers believe this for one second. Why is Cam REALLY hiding himself away from the world, refusing to give of himself and refusing to live up to his obligations?

Some Possible Explanations For Cam’s Mysterious Disappearance:

1. Cam is actually a highly-regarded police informant whose amphetamine-dealing cohorts have recently discovered his grassing activities and vowed to cut him up good, thus forcing him into hiding.

2. Cam went home to the country and drank so much absinthe he has forgotten the way back to the city.

3. Cam, having managed re-unite to me with my estranged Uncle Hal, has undergone another Quantum Leap and is now inhabiting the body of a late-19th-century Chicago industrialist with a troubling secret.

4. Cam has admitted to himself that he hates me and finds my company impossibly objectionable but is too cowardly to tell me to my face so is feigning illness.

5. Cam is on a top-secret mission to South America to inject certain serums into spider monkeys in a complex attempt to solve the world’s food shortage.

6. Cam is actually the alter-ego of State Education Minister Bronwyn Pike and the reality of his exhausting secret double life is only now beginning to weigh on him.

7. Cam is dead, and his murderer has assumed his identity, but is forced to feign illness so as not to give the game away, and to disguise his thick Belgian accent.

8. Cam is dead, nad having ascended to heaven has discovered that entry is dependent on his convincing people to go on pointless errands to the chemist’s for him, in order to amuse the jaded and entertainment-starved Jesus.

9. Cam is not dead, but is being held captive in a car boot in a Brunswick garage, from where he can only send carefully coded Facebook and Twitter messages, knowing how closely he is being watched, desperately hoping someone will decipher them correctly and come to rescue him before his bayonet-wielding kidnappers carry out their promise to “make you purty”.

10. Cam is a magical fairy who must periodically return to Fairyland lest the non-magical atmosphere of our world age him too heavily and turn him to dust.

Which one do YOU think is correct?

Today in Tabloids

You may have got the impression from earlier postings that Melbourne’s Herald Sun was mainly a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed readers with too much unsupervised email time available.

This is not true. It is also a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed journalists. Take for instance today’s front page headline, which screamed “RED ARMY” in huge letters.

The story, with an update noting the army’s backdown, is here. It’s all about the shocking revelation that the government planned to MAKE OUR BRAVE FIGHTING SOLDIERS WEAR CHINESE MATERIAL!!!!!

And so the headline, RED ARMY. Get it? Because they’re communists? So our soldiers would be wearing communist fabric? So our army would be “red”?

GET IT YET?

Felix Sher, whose son Gregory was killed in a rocket attack in Afghanistan last year, said this morning questions had to be asked over what justified the bizarre cost-cutting strategy.

“Bizarre cost-cutting strategy”? The strategy is to cut costs. This is, you know, to save money. Apparently this is bizarre to the Herald Sun? No, Herald Sun – a “bizarre cost-cutting strategy” would be one where you, say, threw a million dollars in cash into the river in order to cut costs – that would be quite bizarre. A cost-cutting strategy that saves you money is not a bizarre one; it’s actually quite a sensible one, I would have thought.

“If Greg was alive I don’t think he would be happy,” Mr Sher said. “To wear a Chinese-made uniform just to save a dollar … I don’t think any Australian soldier would be happy.

“Greg was devoted to his job and to his country but if he was alive he’d definitely be asking why the Defence Department were doing this.”

And maybe the defence department would say, “To save money, cockface – now get back in line”.

Because MAYBE, Mr Sher, the idea is to save money on uniforms – which, in a world full of SANE PEOPLE, would be made wherever was most convenient and cost-effective, with a general agreement that it doesn’t matter the slightest, tiniest, infinitesimal bit where the fabric got made, for Christ’s sake.

Jennifer Ward, whose son Benjamin Ranaudo was killed in Afghanistan last year, said the cost-cutting strategy was going too far.

“It might just be factory work to some people, but that company would be proud to make those uniforms,’’ Mrs Ward told the Herald Sun.

Oh, well if they’re PROUD. I mean, you didn’t mention they’d be PROUD to make uniforms. By all means, let the necessities of the defence budget take a backseat to company pride – the self-esteem of factory workers is after all the main purpose of the Defence Force, innit?

Australian Defence Association executive director Neil James blasted the decision.

“Do we seriously expect our soldiers to fight a war dressed in a uniform made in China?” he said.

“There’s a simple dignity issue.”

Yes, how undignified! Good God, our brave diggers might catch Chineseness from their uniforms! How can any soldier feel dignified fighting in a uniform that is exactly the same as any other uniform, knowing the identical uniform was made in China? How could this bunch of sissy, pansy-arse, wussy, limp-wristed nancy-boys handle it, given they’re such a bunch of soft, namby-pamby little girls they can’t even handle putting on a foreign-made shirt? Pussies.

Oh yeah, and Sophie Mirabella weighed in:

Opposition industry spokeswoman Sophie Mirabella said it was outrageous.

“Our soldiers risk their lives under the flag and in the uniform of this country,” she said. “It’s dangerous, unpatriotic and tawdry for the Government to save a few dollars and buy the fabric overseas.”

But we already knew she was a total fuckstick, so no need to pay much attention there.

Still, they backed down, so it’s nice to see the Herald Sun’s proud tradition of racist, xenophobic scaremongering continues to get results in the corridors of power.

Bravo Herald Sun.

Responding To Letters In The Herald Sun With…by Ben

Hi!

Welcome to this week’s edition of “Responding To All The Letters In The Herald Sun With…”

And this week, we will be responding to all the letters in the Herald Sun with…Nazi references!

Take it away…

Surely students have a say

I have watched the debate over the My School website rage for a few days now and I have witnessed the usual group of politicians, teachers, union reps and journalists express their opinions on the matter, but I wait with bated breath for someone to ask when the students will be asked their opinion of the site.
What impact will it have on your children in this day and age of promoting self-esteem and the importance of the individual? I’d love to know what they think.
Doris Colbert, Wedderburn

– Yeah, Doris, know who else liked to ask the children what they thought? Hitler.

Essentials add to cost burden

The high cost of “essential education items” being put on parents at Mt Martha Primary School is unfortunately no surprise to Victorian community sector organisations (“Our school shame”, January 28).
Research by the Brotherhood of St Laurence reveals that many chiildren are only able to continue to go to school because community organisations are picking up education costs that families cannot pay.
Education must be free so that all childen can participate equally.
Every student who drops out or cannot fully participate compromises the nation’s future productivity.
Essential costs continue to be shifted from the state to families and then on to community organisations when families cannot pay.
Cath Smith, CEO, Victorian Council of Social Service

– Oh, so the purpose of youth is to contribute to the nation’s future productivity, is it Cath? I remember a certain Reich that thought that way.

50/50

The Australian of the Year is clearly Kevin Andrews. It was he who challenged Turnbull for the leadership and this led to the Liberals voting against the emissions trading scheme, which would have destroyed our economy.
Cotter Gray, Bendigo

– Know what’s German for “I love Kevin Andrews”, Cotter? “Arbeit Macht Frei”. THINK ABOUT IT, NAZI-LOVER.

Positive action needed

Consider those famous, oft-repeated words of Premier Brumby: “It is unacceptable”.
This phrase appears from time to time when there is an occurence that is unfavourable to his Government. It is meant to kill the story. The words are meaningless unless followed by some positive action to resolve the issue at hand. In the past three years this has not happened.
Hopefully, in November, the true meaning will become clear to Mr Brumby.
John Lord, Croydon

– Oh, you want positive action do you, John? The way the Germans took positive action to eradicate the Jews?

In the Herald Sun letters

H. Davies of Keilor writes:

The stats say Serena Williams weighs 68kg. I’d like to be present at the weigh-in!

Is it really necessary for the Herald Sun to give voice to every one of its readers whenever they feel like publicising their black-women-on-scales fetish?

Just Asking by Ben

OK, so you know those people who are all like, “Wow, Prince William is nice, isn’t he? We can’t have a republic, we love Prince William too much, cos he’s GREAT!”?

And you know those other people, who are sometimes the same people, who are all like, “Hey, we can’t have a republic, because our system of government works so well and if we didn’t have a hereditary foreign monarch performing a purely ceremonial role on the other side of the world, it would all collapse because look at like Cuba and the Congo and stuff, they’re republics and they’re awful so if we didn’t have the Queen we’d be like that!”?

You know all those people?

I just had a question about them:

Are they, like, retarded?

I mean, have they suffered massive head trauma at some point? Did their mothers drink a lot during pregnancy? Is it a genetic thing? Were they dropped as babies? Did they fall in a pool and lose consciousness for five minutes?

Are these people walking around wearing helments and knee pads? Do they go to special schools and work in sheltered workshops? Are they on government pensions due to their inability to make a living in normal society?

If you see these people in public, are they always walking into shopfront windows, thinking there’s nothing there? Do they stare into mirrors for hours on end, trying to make friends with the nice person inside? Do they burst into tears on trains because they can’t figure out how to open a broadsheet newspaper?

Do they squint in confusion at the Quick Crossword? Do they complain about the menus at McDonald’s being too confusing? Do they quote the Herald Sun letters page at dinner parties?

Do they sit backwards on horses? Do they get stuck in revolving doors? Do they take half an hour to buy a train ticket from a machine? Do they get migraines from trying to follow the plot of Adam Sandler movies?

Do they watch Adam Sandler movies?

Are they, like, absolute irretrievable fucking morons?

Is there any other conclusion to come to?

People of Cairns – are you ready for FUN?

I quote:

THE Weekend Post readers will score free cold drinks and umbrellas when they purchase their paper from our Australia Day Bikini Crew next week.

The crew will kick-start Australia Day celebrations by road-tripping from the Tableland to central Cairns, stopping at four hot spots along the way. Accompanied by two all-Aussie girls sporting Australia Day bikinis, the crew will give away branded umbrellas and drinks with each copy of the paper sold.

Do you hear that, Weekend Post readers? You can SCORE FREE COLD DRINKS AND UMBRELLAS! How valuable is THAT in these times of high-priced umbrellas?

Of course, it’s a ludicrous promotion, because tell me honestly, who actually needs an INCENTIVE to purchase newspapers from girls in bikinis?

The prize is in the transaction, people! The prize is in the transaction.

It’s been a tough week.

First our radio show got canned, then Haiti, and now The Tote is closing.

They say these things come in threes, so hopefully that’s the end of it.

This Is An Actual Letter

Written to the Sunday Age’s “Sunday Life” magazine this past weekend, in response to an article by well-known writer/exoskeleton Mia Freedman. The letter is from one Glenda Hanks, of Newport, NSW:

Oh, Mia – I love itl My favourite story about this subject comes from my sister’s friend. This friend called her vagina her “bear” (who knows why). They lived in a small country town and one day she had to take her son to the local nurse to get a blood sample. He was naturally nervous about the ordeal, but was reassured by the elderly nurse that if he was a very brave boy and kept very still, she would show him her bear. He was far too distressed to notice the small stuffed animal on her desk!

I want you to think very carefully about Glenda’s “friend” (we know, Glenda, WE KNOW). OK, first of all, she calls her vagina her “bear”. She says “who knows why”, but it seems pretty obvious – massive head trauma.

Her “bear”??? Can anyone think of any even remotely sensible reason to cal your vagina a bear?

Because it eats people?

It’s inactive during the winter months?

It likes honey?

It’s found throughout North America and Europe, but some species can also be found in Asia and South America?

It’s good for catching salmon?

Zookeepers give it frozen fruit on hot days?

It’s covered in fu- oh, wait.

OK, so we’ve established that Glenda’s demented “friend” is demented and calls her vagina a bear. BUT surely even demented people stop short of breezily using such euphemisms to their young children. What sort of sick linguistic experiment is going on here that she thought it would be a good idea to cause her son to forever associate the word “bear” with vaginas? Did she think that would help him in life? Did she think, for example, that it would make for a simple, non-traumatic experience of children’s literature? Did she think it would add some extra spice to the first time he heard someone offer a bear-hug?

What, in short, was the crazy old tart thinking?

BUT, to be fair and apportion blame equally, what was wrong with this kid? Had he really never heard the word bear in any other context? Was he so ignorant it didn’t occur to him that maybe the nurse was talking about something else?

Or had his mother deliberately kept all knowledge of actual bears from him during his formative years so that her bear would be the only bear he would ever know, in a scenario not unlike what I imagine to be the plot of the movie “Bad Boy Bubby” which I have never seen?

Then again, maybe he DID know what bears were, and is genuinely frightened of them, thinking the elderly nurse was about to unleash a massive omnivorous mammal on him.

Anyway, all’s well that ends well – the nurse DID show him her vagina, and he enjoyed it immensely.

The end.