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An Open Letter To The Liberal Party of Victoria.

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Dear The Liberal Party Of Victoria,

How are you? Well, I hope! Anyway, best get down to business. I don’t have all day to be writing letters and you certainly don’t have time to be reading them. We are both “Busy Berties” and that is no mistake.

I was reading the august journal The Sunday Herald Sun this Sunday just gone, when I came across an interesting story regarding your Melton candidate, a young man with a bright future and a stupid name: Braidy Kean.

A BEER-swilling Liberal candidate has been caught out promoting 24-hour alcohol consumption, slamming police chief commissioner Simon Overland and criticising his federal leader less than two weeks before the state election.

Melton Liberal candidate Braidy Kean, 21, is running for State Parliament on the promise of “safer streets” and “more police on the beat”.

But despite the State Opposition vowing to curb the hours of Melbourne’s all-night bottle shops last year, Mr Kean is a member of a social network site called “Melton needs a 24-hour-bottle-o!”.

His Facebook page lists his candidate profile and professional portrait but also contains numerous photos of him drinking.

A Facebook posting by Mr Kean in March, likely to draw the attention of the police he hopes will “make Melton matter”, lambasts the chief commissioner.

“Simon Overland is a d—head!” it says.

Liberals’ party boy, Sunday Herald Sun, 14/11/10.

What a hack job this story is. So typical of today’s 24 hour news cycle rush to print forget the facts flat earth bullshit media. Yes, let’s visit someone’s Facebook page and call it the news. Disgusting.

See, if state politics reporter Peter Rolfe wasn’t so lazy, he would have visited Kean’s Myspace page and seen that he was in a dreadful black metal band, which would make for a far more interesting story.

Meet Ill Omen. A band whose live shows have been described as intense, insane, awesome, brutal and fucking crazy. What else would you expect from a band whose influences include Slayer, Lamb of God, Cannibal Corpse, and Led Zep – amongst others.

Their demo is available from Missing Link Records in Melbourne for $5 and contains such classics as ‘Blood Ritual’, ‘For Your Ignorance’, and ‘Silent Demise’, but if you want to hear songs like ‘Breaking the Covenant Part 1: The Great Defilement’ and ‘Breaking the Covenant Part 2: The War of Uncreation’, you WILL need to keep abreast of announcements re: Battles Of Bands in the Melton area.

Now, check out this video of the band performing Blood Ritual live at the Waterloo Cup.

Having seen this, we have a few questions for you, Liberal Party:

Does the Liberal Party endorse homophobic Necrophagist puns?

Does the Liberal Party endorse frontmen who BARELY get into it?

Does the Liberal Party still believe that “Let’s make Melton matter” is the best possible slogan to use in Kean’s campaign literature, now that they are fully aware of the apropos lyrics of The Forthcoming?

Beneath the Destruction,
Lies a hate with no function,
Before us lies death with no chance of redemption.

The earth burns,
We turn to god,
Your blind faith has failed us,
Scavenged the earth, the rest will die,
We have paided the price.

We run in fear,
Screams bellowed by tears,
We fear the night,
A death worth than torture a world wide slaughter.

Death has become our life,
The Forthcoming is upon us.

Thanks. Have a good one.

Written by Your Friends

November 14, 2010 at 06:06:06

Today in Tabloids

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You may have got the impression from earlier postings that Melbourne’s Herald Sun was mainly a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed readers with too much unsupervised email time available.

This is not true. It is also a repository for the ramblings of developmentally delayed journalists. Take for instance today’s front page headline, which screamed “RED ARMY” in huge letters.

The story, with an update noting the army’s backdown, is here. It’s all about the shocking revelation that the government planned to MAKE OUR BRAVE FIGHTING SOLDIERS WEAR CHINESE MATERIAL!!!!!

And so the headline, RED ARMY. Get it? Because they’re communists? So our soldiers would be wearing communist fabric? So our army would be “red”?


Felix Sher, whose son Gregory was killed in a rocket attack in Afghanistan last year, said this morning questions had to be asked over what justified the bizarre cost-cutting strategy.

“Bizarre cost-cutting strategy”? The strategy is to cut costs. This is, you know, to save money. Apparently this is bizarre to the Herald Sun? No, Herald Sun – a “bizarre cost-cutting strategy” would be one where you, say, threw a million dollars in cash into the river in order to cut costs – that would be quite bizarre. A cost-cutting strategy that saves you money is not a bizarre one; it’s actually quite a sensible one, I would have thought.

“If Greg was alive I don’t think he would be happy,” Mr Sher said. “To wear a Chinese-made uniform just to save a dollar … I don’t think any Australian soldier would be happy.

“Greg was devoted to his job and to his country but if he was alive he’d definitely be asking why the Defence Department were doing this.”

And maybe the defence department would say, “To save money, cockface – now get back in line”.

Because MAYBE, Mr Sher, the idea is to save money on uniforms – which, in a world full of SANE PEOPLE, would be made wherever was most convenient and cost-effective, with a general agreement that it doesn’t matter the slightest, tiniest, infinitesimal bit where the fabric got made, for Christ’s sake.

Jennifer Ward, whose son Benjamin Ranaudo was killed in Afghanistan last year, said the cost-cutting strategy was going too far.

“It might just be factory work to some people, but that company would be proud to make those uniforms,’’ Mrs Ward told the Herald Sun.

Oh, well if they’re PROUD. I mean, you didn’t mention they’d be PROUD to make uniforms. By all means, let the necessities of the defence budget take a backseat to company pride – the self-esteem of factory workers is after all the main purpose of the Defence Force, innit?

Australian Defence Association executive director Neil James blasted the decision.

“Do we seriously expect our soldiers to fight a war dressed in a uniform made in China?” he said.

“There’s a simple dignity issue.”

Yes, how undignified! Good God, our brave diggers might catch Chineseness from their uniforms! How can any soldier feel dignified fighting in a uniform that is exactly the same as any other uniform, knowing the identical uniform was made in China? How could this bunch of sissy, pansy-arse, wussy, limp-wristed nancy-boys handle it, given they’re such a bunch of soft, namby-pamby little girls they can’t even handle putting on a foreign-made shirt? Pussies.

Oh yeah, and Sophie Mirabella weighed in:

Opposition industry spokeswoman Sophie Mirabella said it was outrageous.

“Our soldiers risk their lives under the flag and in the uniform of this country,” she said. “It’s dangerous, unpatriotic and tawdry for the Government to save a few dollars and buy the fabric overseas.”

But we already knew she was a total fuckstick, so no need to pay much attention there.

Still, they backed down, so it’s nice to see the Herald Sun’s proud tradition of racist, xenophobic scaremongering continues to get results in the corridors of power.

Bravo Herald Sun.

Written by Your Friends

February 10, 2010 at 03:03:15

People of Cairns – are you ready for FUN?

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I quote:

THE Weekend Post readers will score free cold drinks and umbrellas when they purchase their paper from our Australia Day Bikini Crew next week.

The crew will kick-start Australia Day celebrations by road-tripping from the Tableland to central Cairns, stopping at four hot spots along the way. Accompanied by two all-Aussie girls sporting Australia Day bikinis, the crew will give away branded umbrellas and drinks with each copy of the paper sold.

Do you hear that, Weekend Post readers? You can SCORE FREE COLD DRINKS AND UMBRELLAS! How valuable is THAT in these times of high-priced umbrellas?

Of course, it’s a ludicrous promotion, because tell me honestly, who actually needs an INCENTIVE to purchase newspapers from girls in bikinis?

The prize is in the transaction, people! The prize is in the transaction.

Written by Your Friends

January 20, 2010 at 04:04:04

A Glossary by Ben

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Here is a list of South Australian political puns that you can drop into conversation to make your next social event go with a zing:

Nick Xenuphon

Mike Ranndy

Sandra Skanck

Penny Wrong

Natasha’s Hot – Despoil Her

Alexander Downer

Submit your own South Australian Political Puns and win BIG PRIZES!

Written by Your Friends

November 26, 2009 at 09:09:09